Guitarboy

That's what friends are for...or...sucker


I am going to get "sucker" tattooed on my forehead, backwards so I can read it. Has been rather the tumultuous week with friends and colleagues, mostly because they are so closely linked. I am feeling really hurt by one of my work friends, again. She had a rather eventful night last night which ended up with her losing some time and location. The first call from her was that she didn't know where she was and what happened, the second, after an amount of probing it turns out she picked up and probably drank too much, passed out in a hotel room and woke up alone, dazed and confused.

This put me in a really awkward spot as my first instinct was to go help and make things better for her, in the second call when a bit more detail came out I began to feel pissed off. I like to think I'm good in a tight spot and can keep focus when dealing with something like this so it is kind of my area and I like to help but I find it hurtful to be dragged into feeling like this on a false pretence. It smacks of attention seeking and in the past I have given that attention willingly and too freely. The future starts now.

Last year there was a fatal car accident at the bottom of our street and I ran to the car and watched her bleed to death in front of me. She was drunk it turns out. And I was the sucker that watched her die and I was the sucker that tried to help, and I am the sucker that still thinks about it and does not sleep. Because of the actions of one careless person I have a bit of therapy ahead of me. I can see a lot of parallels between the situations, my wish to help is stronger than my wish for self preservation of the mental kind. This needs to be altered.


I rang mermaidgrrl this morning for a conscience check as I was feeling unsure if my feelings toward work colleague were justified, was I blaming the victim? How would I feel if it turns out her drink was spiked and she was abused? It's a precarious line. As always she was straight forward and called a spade a spade. I am a nice guy, easily manipulated, and all this stress will take it's toll on my relationship with Miss Ivy. It doesn't really matter what happen to work colleague, Miss Ivy shouldn't have to put up with an upset partner, especially if she didn't start the fight.


I have lots of great friends with whom I have fantastic relationships with, all with their own rules and quirks but there is an equilibrium within those friendships where I hope everyone gets what they need from it. I am going to make a conscious effort to back away from the people who are only in it for themselves. Sleep for me has become even more difficult over the past few weeks with work building up and I don't appreciate the added stress of a parasite friend keeping me awake any more than I already am.


Human relationships are that hardest of all things to define or confine and it makes me so upset that someone could apparently deliberately set out to fuck me around and play games with me. In the past I have done that and maybe as you grow up it gets easier to see what you were doing and where you went. I feel awful for some of the things I have done to friends and partners but I like to think that I am a good enough person to own up to it and apologise, it can never make it right but a sorry goes a long way. If I didn't make the right apology then please accept a blanket sorry now as I now think this could be some karma.

From now on no more mr softy. Work is work and friendships will be limited to that, no more getting to know families or partners if not necessary, no more chats about life in general. I am there to do a job, one which I am just getting by at, and not to make friends. If I get the feeling I am being manipulated I will step back and not get caught up, I am learning to recognise the signs and pay attention to what is happening to me.

Maybe the sucker tattoo should be just temporary cause I won't be nobodies bitch no more....